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Comments from Readers and Counselors How Relationships Go Bad and What to Do |
How Relationships Go Bad and What to DoDuring the early dating and honeymoon stages, two individuals give and receive their very best. When we’re “in love,” our bodies actually produce extra amounts of chemicals like dopamine and acetylethylamine that make us oblivious to each other’s negatives and enamored of each other’s positives and differences. That’s how “love is blind” and each party gets a “free ride” for his/her imperfections. Too soon, though, individuals begin to discover each other’s negatives and to experience differences as less fascinating and more irritating, frustrating, off-putting, or outright offensive. When one becomes increasingly critical, attacking, or unavailable, the other feels hurt, scared, and/or angry. Each wonders, “Why is the one person in the whole world who’s supposed to love, appreciate, and admire me attacking or deserting me instead?!!” That abandoned, victimized feeling leads to withdrawal and/or counter-attacking. Each partner’s nerves become increasingly raw, and a chain reaction develops where each says and does things that make both of them feel worse and act worse. One may attack “to get through that thick skin,” while the other withdraws “to keep the peace.” These are two examples of the many desperate attempts that each may try “to make things better” (from his or her limited point of view), but too often these intended “solutions” backfire and actually make things worse. Both believe they are doing the best they can - if only the other would get the point and improve!! Each escalates his or her learned defense mechanisms and thereby fuels the fire as the relationship spirals down. Even if they enter typical marriage counseling, each often blames the other and demands or holds out for changes in the other. Too often, friends or even counselors side with one individual to help him or her feel better but fail to help that individual understand and improve how he or she is currently impacting the partner. Misunderstandings multiply, and morale continues to decline. Rejection by someone you love and don’t want to lose is one of life’s most intensely painful experiences. In the midst of pain and confusion, each partner may wonder why the other’s heart seems so cold in the face of his or her pained love, frustration, and worry. Each may wonder: How can I stop this downward spiral? Is there some way to turn things around? Can I hope to save a relationship that’s in so much trouble yet so important to me? What happened to our love? Is there some way to regain this person’s favor? How can I help us both feel better? Should I make up or break up? Is this relationship worth saving? Is it even right for me? People typically give up on spouses or lovers because they have too many bad feelings and little or no hope that good feelings will ever return. When feelings like hurt, fear, anger, or indifference come to outweigh love, warmth, closeness, and enthusiasm, people tend to feel alienated, to “need some space,” to withdraw and withhold, or to give up completely. Not everyone who says he or she wants to break up, separate, or divorce truly prefers to do so. In my experience, most people who reach that point arrive there because they feel desperate and can't see a better choice. They feel like they've exhausted all the options. Often they'd prefer to stay together but don't know how to make it work and don't think you know how either. In this stressful crisis, you are dealing with two very different “worlds,” yours plus his or hers. You must contend with both of these worlds in order to increase your chances of reviving the relationship while maintaining your own self-respect. The more you can learn about both “worlds,” the better your chances. Stop Unwanted Divorce or Rejection describes in detail how you can single-handedly reverse the downward spiral, soothe and disarm a partner, and create an upward trend toward mutual understanding, acceptance, and reconciliation - how you can inspire better feelings in and from your most important other while respecting and liking yourself better in the process. Most of us make our best changes in response to a crisis that has tossed us out of our usual comfort zones and has forced or inspired us to see and do things differently. This wake-up call is one you can’t ignore. You can let it bring out the worst or the best in you, let it immobilize you or inform and motivate you to learn all you can about how to turn around your troubled relationship. If you’re the one who’s motivated or highly motivated right now to renew the relationship, there is the advantage of knowing that it’s all up to you - at least for now. There is clarity and a bottom-line responsibility/opportunity when you know that you can take the lead, that you can learn how to stop making things worse and how to create an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding in which the relationship can start to recover and to replace destructive with constructive behaviors and feelings. Consistent with the impressive principles of “emotional intelligence,” the perspective, insights, practical strategies, and support in Stop Unwanted Divorce of Rejection can help you better understand yourself and this other person. They can help you think and feel your way forward with as few mistakes and as many good decisions as possible. By changing how you think and act toward a spouse or lover, you can encourage a renewal of good feelings in how she or he experiences you. The other’s improved feelings can then lead to warmer and more endearing behaviors in return. That’s how you can interrupt the “vicious circles” of a relationship going sour with powerful healing words and behaviors that inspire mutually rewarding circles of positive behaviors and feelings. This program is not about cheap manipulations to trick your partner temporarily into doing what you want. It’s about sincere, courageous, and persistent personal change chosen freely in the service of both relationship revival and personal growth - a mobilization of personal resources inspired by a painful and challenging crisis. The contents of Stop Unwanted Divorce or Rejection are:
I would be irresponsible and not credible if I claimed that the principles outlined in this manual are absolutely certain to save any troubled relationship, but I can and do claim that applying these principles will greatly improve your chances and will sharpen your skills in this and many other important relationships now and in the future. That’s how I’m comfortable offering a full refund to anyone who fails to find my manual informative, practical, relevant, and helpful. – Nathan Claunch
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